


Bounty Hunting Birthday

by ThreeHats



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:37:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6730174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Batman had been in some pretty hairy situations before, but this one simply took the cake.  And not the birthday cake he had commissioned for himself that rested proudly at the front of the glittering ballroom at the Ritz-Carlton hotel.  The event had been an exercise in subterfuge; the public was narrowing in slowly on his true identity (pssst... it was Bruce Wayne--I KNOW, RIGHT?!), and so to throw them off the scent, he threw his alter-ego a fancy-pants bat birthday party for the ages.  It wasn't even his real birthday--just one he had made up.  But it resulted in double the presents, so Batman considered it a win.  Maybe this would make up for all those years that his parents had been dead.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bounty Hunting Birthday

**Characters:** Batman and Zam Wessell  
 **Location:** At the Ritz-Carlton  
 **Scenario:** Stuck in a Chinese Fingertrap

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

 

He was vengeance. 

He was the night.

He was trapped.

Batman had been in some pretty hairy situations before, but this one simply took the cake. And not the birthday cake he had commissioned for himself that rested proudly at the front of the glittering ballroom at the Ritz-Carlton hotel. The event had been an exercise in subterfuge; the public was narrowing in slowly on his true identity (pssst... it was Bruce Wayne--I KNOW, RIGHT?!), and so to throw them off the scent, he threw his alter-ego a fancy-pants bat birthday party for the ages. It wasn't even his real birthday--just one he had made up. But it resulted in double the presents, so Batman considered it a win. Maybe this would make up for all those years that his parents had been dead.

Wiping away a single tear that had gathered in the corner of his mask, Batman went back to scowling at the party. His eyes, punctuated by black grease paint on the skin surrounding them, scanned the room absent-mindedly. Bringing his hand to his nose to try and awkwardly scratch it through the mask, Batman found he could not, and that reminded him once again that he was vengeance, he was the night, he was trapped by, of all things, a Chinese finger trap.

The person he was trapped to was a beautiful woman who stood stoically at his side, face partially masked by a deep purple veil hung heavily from a clunky silver helmet. She looked as though she were competing with Batman for Most Ridiculous Part Outfit with her purple leather and silver plated armor, but it was difficult to say who was winning were one to approach the hypothetical contest with a purely unbiased approach.

"I need to scratch," Batman grumbled, as though there were any other way that Batman could speak.  
The woman mumbled cooly from behind the mask, but due to the thickness of the material, Batman couldn't understand her.

"...What?" He grunted. She rolled her eyes, unhitching the cloth from one end and letting it hang uselessly beside her face. 

"I said you have two hands," She responded, her free hand resting defiantly on her hip. Batman tried to fold his arms grumpily across his chest, but again realized his handicap. Instead, he awkwardly tried to mask the attempt by making it look like he were scratching his armpit. He failed. The woman smirked.

"So, where do we go from here?" He growled, being unused to having to drive conversations--his villains were usually more chatty. "Can I at least have some cake?"

"You may not realize it Mr. Wayne--" his real name cut through him like a knife, the armor doing nothing to stop it. "--but you have quite a few enemies from this little stunt you keep pulling. I'm simply waiting for my employer to show up."

"So you're a bounty hunter?" Batman eyed her incredulously. She nodded once, glancing over at him with a hint of pride.

"One of the best in the galaxy."

"Well, what are you being paid?" The wheels in his head started turning. "I can give you what they offered you. More, even. Since you obviously know who I am, you know what I'm capable of financially. And then..." He made a weird growling/clearing his throat noise in an attempt to try and make his Batman voice sexy. He wasn't quite used to flirting with it. "...Maybe we can get to know each other a bit better. I have a reputation in that regard as well."

A smile crept across the bounty hunter's face, and she couldn't stop herself from laughing.

"I think I'm quite all right." A device in her armor beeped, and her eyes seemed to look through the walls. In her moment of distraction, her appearance seemed to flicker for just a moment, her skin taking on a greenish, wrinkled hue. Batman blinked in alarm, but by the time his eyes opened again, she appeared as she always had. Did he just hit on an alien...? It's not like he hadn't done it before with Supes, but he... well... he looked human.

"Time to get paid," she said as she turned and pulled him by a single finger towards the door out of the ballroom.

Before they could go far, however, two bright blue lights shone through the crowd, accompanied with an ever-present humming that changed with each movement of the device. Two men stood at the hilts containing the lights, one significantly older than the other, but with a sweet mullet and beard. Batman made a mental note for his barber later.

"That's far enough, Ms. Wesell," spoke the mullet man in a calm, refined voice. "I hope you've enjoyed your time on the run?"

"I'm not quite sure what you mean, Master Jedi," She said casually, unphased by their presence.

"Don't play dumb with us!" The younger (and whinier) one finally spoke up, his rat tail flailing in the air as he leapt forward and cut at the chinese finger trap that bound them together. It was in an attempt to free Batman, the caped crusader was sure, but unfortunately, it also freed him of the top half of his index finger. Batman grunted loudly in his Batman voice, and the people surrounding them leapt away from the men weilding the weapons. 

The bounty hunter used the distraction of Batman losing his finger to escape, and the one who had done the deed didn't bother with saying a word before chasing after her. The older one looked a bit sheepish.

"...Do accept our apologies. Perhaps... It will grow back?"

He darted out of the ballroom after the other two before Batman could grumble something back in disgust.

It was the worst birthday ever. And it wasn't even his birthday.


End file.
